AFTER

Sorry, we’re updating Mobile Money at the moment. It should be up and running by the end of the week.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

• There were some odd looking mistakes in the original. There’s no need for a capital k in kindly. And our product name, Mobile Money was missing the second capital m.

• The tone of voice wasn’t right either. While hello is a nice friendly opening, the next phrase - kindly be informed - sounds formal and old-fashioned. The same goes for currently unavailable.

• In the rewrite, we’ve used the active voice: we’re updating Mobile Money at the moment.

• We’ve also made the message more customer-focused, giving readers a sense of when Mobile Money should be working again.